Alive and Awake
by sarahhjanesmith
Summary: Bill can't bring himself to face the fact that he's about to lose the woman he loves. (Set during Daybreak sometime before going planet side on Earth II.)


The sound of her heartbeat was comforting to him. If he could hear her heartbeat, he knew she was still there. He knew she hadn't left him yet. Bill Adama lay with his head against Laura Roslin's chest, listening to the rhythmic sound of her heart. The steady thumping against his ear was all the reassurance he needed: she was alive.

It wasn't only her heartbeat that relaxed him. It was everything. The rise and fall of her chest as she took breaths that were sometimes shaky and ragged, and other times unwavering and stable. The small noises she made, whimpers, gasps, or Bill's personal favorite, the occasional giggle. Her hands moving up and down his arms, giving gentle caresses. Her fingers dancing in the spaces between his own.

He loved her. There was no denying it, no doubting it. He loved her, and he was going to lose her. He was going to lose her long before he was ready. Then again, would he ever be ready? No. Definitely not. There was nothing in the universe that could prepare him for the impending loss of the woman he'd taken so long to admit he loved.

He was terrified. He couldn't live without her. He didn't want to live without her. They'd found a new world, a world similar to the Earth they'd been searching for all along, and he knew he wouldn't be able to enjoy it. After all, what's a world without Laura Roslin in it? No world he wanted to live in, that's for sure. He'd gone most of his life without even knowing her. Of course he'd _heard_ of her, but he hadn't met her until the day of the attacks.

What would it have been like if he'd met her before? Would they have gotten married? Had children? Lived in that cabin of hers? He shook his head slightly. Thinking in what-ifs wouldn't get him anywhere. Then again, at this point, did it matter? He could wallow all he wanted. It wouldn't make any difference. The outcome wouldn't change. She was going to die no matter what he thought about. He shook his head again, trying to push out the dark thoughts.

Raising his head off her chest, he propped himself up on his elbow to look at her. She looked so peaceful. So serene. Her lips were parted slightly, her eyelids fluttering as the dreams played out in her mind. Her headscarf had made its way onto the floor, leaving her head bare. He reached out, brushing his hand across the soft skin. Although he missed her luscious red curls, he loved her freckled scalp all the same.

He tried to ignore the way her collar bones were protruding. The way her once rosy cheeks had lost all color. The way his bath robe hung loosely on her frail body, even when she had the sash completely tightened. It wasn't that he didn't see her as beautiful anymore, because he did. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. She always would be. It was just that he'd much rather see her healthy again.

As he returned his head to its resting spot against her chest, he found himself wishing he'd spent more time on New Caprica. He wished he'd been able to spend that year with her. He wished he'd been able to see the healthy Laura Roslin more often. He knew it was selfish to wish he had lived on New Caprica when he knew full well of the horrors that took place there. Normally he'd scold himself for thinking this way, but not now. All he could bring himself to care about right now was her.

What if she'd stayed on Galactica with him? Still a selfish thought. That would have taken her away from the people. People who needed her. People who depended on her.

_"You made me believe." _

His own words were suddenly ringing in his mind. It wasn't just him. She'd made them all believe. She'd given the people hope. She'd given them hope in a time of hopelessness. She'd shown them light in a time darkness. She'd been their prophet in a time of lost faith.

_"A people is only as strong as the body of its leader." _

Something she'd said to him after returning from the Cylon base ship. It had resonated with him. Did she realize how true it was? Laura was a fighter through and through, and so were the people. They had stayed strong because she had stayed strong.

He was pulled from his thoughts when she began murmuring quietly, a smile spreading across her pale lips. He wondered what she could be dreaming about. He hoped it was something happy. Something filled with life. It was, most likely, her last dream. He could only pray it would be a good one. He nuzzled her neck, finally deciding to give his mind some rest. He closed his eyes and let himself drift off, the thrumming of her heart and the hushed sound of her voice lulling him to sleep.


End file.
